23 A voice from the past 
　  
　　I promised to stay at Morton school until Christmas，when St John would be able to find another teacher．He was there when I closed the school for the Christmas holidays．I was quite sorry to have to say goodbye to some of my pupils． 
　　'You see what progress they have made！And you've only worked here a few months！'he said．'Imagine how much more good you coul do if you gave your whole life to teaching！' 
　　'Yes，'I answered，'but I couldn't do it for ever．Don't mention school，I'm on holiday now！' 
　　He looked serious．'What are your plans？' 
　　'I want you to let me have Hannah for a few days．She and I are going to clean Moor House from top to bottom，and make all the Christmas preparations that you know nothing about，being only a man．Everything must be ready for Diana and Mary when they come home next week，for a really wonderful holiday．' 
　　St John smiled but he was still not satisfied with me．'That's all right for the moment，but I hope，Jane，that you'll look higher than domestic activity，and think abut a better way of using your energy and intelligence in the service of God．' 
　　'St John，I have so many reasons for happiness．I am determined to be happy despite your scolding！' 
　　That week Hannah and I worked harder than we had ever worked in our lives before，but at last all was ready．It was a delight to see Diana's and Mary's faces when they arrived cold and stiff from their long journey，and saw the warm fires and polished furniture，and smelt the cakes and meat dishes cooking． 
　　We three spent the whole of Christmas week in perfect happiness．The air of the moors，the freedom of home，and the beginning of independence made Diana and Mary happier than I had ever seen them．Only St John remained apart from our conversations and laughter．He continued his serious studies，and spent much time visiting the sick as usual． 
　　'Do you still intend to be a missionary？'Diana asked him once，a little sadly． 
　　'Nothing has changed or will change my plans，'he answered．'I shall leave England in a few months'time．' 
　　'And Rosamund Oliver？'asked Mary gently． 
　　'Rosamund Oliver is engaged to a Mr Granby，a very suitable young man，according to her father．'His face was calm．I realized he had managed to overcome what he called his weakness． 
　　Gradually our life at Moor House lost its holiday feeling，and as we took up our usual habits and regular studies again，St John sat with us more often．Sometimes I had the impression he was observing us．One day，when Diana and Mary were out and I was learning German，he suddenly said to me，'I want you to learn Hindustani instead of German．I'll need it for my missionary work in India，and you could help me to learn it by studying with me．I've chosen you because I've noticed you have better powers of concentration than either of my sisters．'It seemed so important to him that I could not refuse，and when his sisters returned，they were surprised to find me learning Hindustani with St John． 
　　From now on we spent a lot of time together，studying．I had to work very hard to satisfy him．Under his influence，however，I felt I was losing my freedom to be myself．I could no longer talk or laugh freely，as I knew he only approved of serious moods and studies．I fell under his freezing spell，obeying all his commands without thinking． 
　　One evening，at bedtime，as he kissed his sisters good night，and was holding out his hand to shake mine，as usual，Diana said，laughing，'St John！You aren't treating Jane like one of the family！You should kiss her too．'I was rather embarrassed，but St John calmly kissed me，and did so every evening after that． 
　　I had not forgotten Mr Rochester in all these changes of home and fortune．His name was written on my heart，and would stay there as long as I lived．Not only had I written to ask Mr Briggs more about him，I had also written twice to Mrs Fairfax．But after I had waited in vain for six months，I lost hope，and felt low indeed．Diana said I looked ill，and needed a holiday at the seaside，but St John thought I ought to concentrate on more serious work，and gave me even more Hindustani exercises to do． 
　　One day，while he and I were walking on the moors，he announced，'Jane，I'll be leaving in six weeks．' 
　　'You're doing God's work．He'll protect you，'I replied． 
　　'Yes，it seems strange to me that all my friends don't want to join me．God offers a place in heaven to all who serve Him．What does your heart say to that，Jane？' 
　　'My heart is silent—my heart is silent，'I murmured． 
　　'Then I must speak for it，'said the deep，stern voice．'Jane，come with me to India as a missionary！' 
　　Was it a call from God？I felt as if I was under a terrible spell，and I trembled，afraid that I might not be able to escape． 
　　'Oh St John，don't choose me！'I begged．But it was useless appealing to a man who always did what he believed to be his duty，however unpleasant it was． 
　　'God intended you to be a missionary's wife，'he continued．'Trust in Him，Jane．Marry me，for the service of God．' 
　　'I can't do it，St John，I'm not strong enough！'I cried．The iron bars of a cage seemed to be closing in around me． 
　　'I've seen how hard you can work，Jane．You will be a great help to me with Indian women，and in Indian schools．' 
　　I thought，' Yes，I could do that．But I know that he doesn't love me， and despite that， he asks me to marry him！'So I said， 
　　'I'm ready to go with you to India，but as a sister， not as a wife．' 
　　He shook his head．'You must see that's impossible． No， a sister could marry at any time， and leave me．I need a wife，who will obey me in life， and who will stay with me until death．' 
　　I trembled as I felt his power over me already．'I'll give my heart to Good，'I said．'You don't want it．'As I looked at his stern face， I knew I could go anywhere in the world with him as a colleague， but I could never lose my freedom by marrying him． 
　　'I'll ask you again in a few days'time， he said，'and remember， it isn't me you're refusing， but God！' 
　　From then on his manner towards me was as cold as ice，which caused me great pain．I began to understand how，if I were his wife， this good， religious man could soon kill me，without feeling any guilt at all． 
　　When he asked me again， we were alone in the sitting－room． He put his hand on my head and spoke quietly in his deep， sincere voice．'Remember， Jane， God calls us to work for Him，and will reward us for it．Say you will marry me，and earn your place in heaven！'I admired and respected him，and under his touch my mind was changing． I was tempted to stop struggling against him， as I had been tempted before，in a different way， by Mr Rochester．The missionary gently held my hand．I could resist his anger， but not his gentleness．I desperately wanted to do what was right． 
　　'If I felt certain，'I answered finally，'that God really wanted me to marry you， I would agree！' 
　　'My prayers are heard！'cried St John． Close together we stood， waiting for a sign from heaven． I was more excited than I had ever been before． There was a total silence in the house，and the room was full of moonlight．Suddenly my heart stopped beating， and I heard a distant voice cry，'Jane！ Jane！Jane！'—nothing more．Where did it come from？It was the voice of Edward Rochester， and it spoke in sadness and in pain． 
　　'I'm coming！'I cried．'Wait for me！'I ran into the garden calling，'Where are you？'Only the hills sent a faint echo back． 
　　I broke away from St John， who had followed， asking me questions．It was my time to give orders now． I told him to leave me， and he obeyed．In my room I fell to my knees to thank God for the sign He had sent me， and waited eagerly for daylight．  
　 
23 往昔的呼唤 
　  
　　我答应在莫顿的那个学校住到圣诞节，那时圣约翰会找到另外一位教师。圣诞节放假时他在学校。要和我的一些学生道别，我感到很难过。 
　　“你瞧她们进步多大！而你才工作了不过几个月的时间！”他说。“想像一下，如果你一生从事教育会成就多大的善事啊！” 
　　“是的，”我答道，“但我不能一直教下去。别提学校了，我现在放假了！” 
　　他表情严肃起来：“你有什么打算？” 
　　“我想请你把汉娜借给我几天。我要和她从上到下彻底打扫摩尔屋，做好各种圣诞节的准备。你一个男人，对此一无所知。戴安娜和玛丽下星期回家时，应该一切就绪，我们要过一个真正精彩的节日。” 
　　圣约翰笑了，但他对我还不满足。“眼下这样很好。不过，简，我希望你能超越家居琐事，看得更高一点，思考一下用更好的办法以你的精力和智慧为上帝服务。” 
　　“圣约翰，我高兴的原因太多了。尽管你批评我，我还是下决心要快快乐乐的。” 
　　那一星期里，我和汉娜干得比任何时候都卖力，不过一切终于就绪了。戴安娜和玛丽经过长途跋涉到家时都冻僵了。她们看到了温暖的炉火，锃亮的家具，还闻到了蛋糕和炉子上炖肉的香味。又见到她们的面真让人高兴。 
　　圣诞节的一星期里，我们三人过得兴高采烈。沼泽地上的空气、家中的自由自在以及独立生活的开始，使戴安娜和玛丽显得比我见过的任何时候都要高兴。只有圣约翰没有加入我们的谈话和欢笑。他继续他的学习，并像往常一样花许多时间看望病人。 
　　“你还想做一个传教土吗？”戴安娜一次有点儿伤心地问他。 
　　“什么也没有改变，什么也改变不了我的打算。”他回答说。“我几个月后就离开英格兰。” 
　　“那罗莎蒙特·奥利弗小姐呢？”玛丽轻声问。 
　　“罗莎蒙特·奥利弗小姐已经和一位格兰比先生订婚，据她父亲说，是个很匹配的年轻人。”他表情很平静。我意识到他已克服了他所说的所谓的弱点。 
　　在摩尔屋的生活渐渐褪去了节日的气氛，我们又开始按老习惯生活，进行正常的学习，圣约翰和我们在一起的时间多起来。有时候我感到他在观察我们。一天，戴安娜和玛丽出门了，我正在学习德语，他突然对我说：“我想让你学印度斯坦语，而不是德语。我在印度做传教士的工作需要它，你和我一起学可以帮助我。我之所以选择你，是因为我觉得你比我的两个妹妹更能集中精力。”这对他似乎至关重要，使我难以拒绝。两姐妹回来时，看到我正和圣约翰学习印度斯坦语，感到非常惊讶。 
　　从此我们常在一起学习，我必须非常刻苦才能使他满意。但是，在他的影响下我感到我正在失去保持自我的自由。因为我知道他只赞赏严肃认真的态度和学习，我不能再自由地说笑。我好像被他施了定身术，不假思索地服从着他所有的命令。 
　　一天晚上，就寝的时间到了，他吻了两个妹妹，并道晚安，又像往常那样伸出手来握我的手。戴安娜笑着说：“圣约翰，你没把简当做一家人来对待！你也应该吻她。”我很尴尬，但圣约翰平静地吻了我。此后每天晚上都这样。 
　　在所有这些关于家庭与财富的变迁发生的过程中，我始终不能忘记罗切斯特先生。他的名字已写在我心上，只要我活着，就永远不会消失。我不仅越来越多地给布莱格斯先生写信，打听他的消息，还给费尔法斯太太去过两封信。但是空等了半年，我不抱希望了，感到无比沮丧。戴安娜说我看上去不舒服，需要到海边去疗养，然而圣约翰却说我应该集中精力多做些正经的事，还给我更多的印度斯坦语练习来做。 
　　一天，当他和我在沼泽地上散步时，他宣布：“简，我六星期后离开。” 
　　“你在为上帝工作。他会保护你。”我说。 
　　“是的，奇怪的是我的朋友没有一个愿与我同行。上帝给所有为他服务的人在天堂都准备好了地方。简，你的心对此有什么回答？” 
　　“我的心是沉默的——我的心是沉默的。”我喃喃道。 
　　“那么我就必须替它说话了。”他用严肃低沉的声音说。“简，跟我一起去印度做传教士吧！” 
　　这是上帝的召唤吗？我感到自己被附上了可怕的咒语，我颤抖着，害怕自己无法逃脱出来。 
　　“噢，圣约翰，别选择我。”我乞求着。然而他一向认为自己在履行责任，无论那是多么不愉快；向这样的人乞求是徒劳的。 
　　“上帝要让你成为一个传教士的妻子。”他接着说。“简，相信我。嫁给我，为上帝服务。” 
　　“圣约翰，我不能，我不够坚强。”我大声说。牢笼的铁条似乎正从四面向我逼近。 
　　“简，我看到了你工作起来有多么刻苦。你可以在印度妇女中、在印度学校里给我很大帮助。” 
　　我心想：“是的，我能够做到，但我知道他不爱我。尽管这样，他还让我嫁给他！”于是我说： 
　　“我准备跟你去印度，但是做为妹妹，而不是妻子。” 
　　他摇摇头。“你要知道那是不可能的。不行，妹妹随时可以嫁人，离我而去。我需要一个妻子，在生活中听命于我，并伴我至死。” 
　　我发起抖来，因为我已感受到他的力量在控制着我。“我会把心交给上帝。”我说。“你不需要的。”我望着他紧绷的脸，知道我可以做为同事伴他到天涯海角，但我永远不能为与他结婚而失去我的自由。 
　　“我几天以后再问你一次。”他说。“记住，你拒绝的不是我，而是上帝！” 
　　此后他对我的态度便冷若冰霜，使我非常痛苦。我开始明白，如果我是他的妻子，这个善良、虔诚的男人会很快要了我的命，而自己却不感到丝毫的愧疚。 
　　他第二次问我时，我们正单独坐在客厅里。他将手放在我的头上，用深沉而真诚的声音轻声地说：“简，记住，上帝呼唤我们为他工作，并将为此奖赏我们。说，你会嫁给我，去争取你在天堂的位置。”我仰慕他、尊重他，在他的触摸下我的想法开始变化。我有些想停止对他的反抗，就像过去在另一种情形下受到罗切斯特先生的诱惑一样。传教士温柔地握着我的手。我可以抵抗他的气愤，却无法抗拒他的温柔。我竭力想把事情做对。 
　　我最后说：“如果我的确感到上帝真的想让我和你结婚，我会同意的。” 
　　“我的祈祷显灵了！”圣约翰叫道。我们紧紧站在一起，等待来自天堂的信号。我从未像现在这样激动。屋里一片寂静，月光洒了一地。突然，我的心好像停止了跳动。我听到一个遥远的声音呼唤着：“简！简！简！”再没有别的了。这是从哪儿传来的？这是罗切斯特先生的声音，悲伤而痛苦。 
　　“我来了！”我喊着。“等等我！”我跑进花园喊着：“你在哪儿？”只有山丘隐约的回声。 
　　我从圣约翰身边挣脱着跑出来，他跟在我后面追问着。现在该轮到我下命令了。我让他离开我，他遵从了。回到自己的房间后，我跪到地上。感谢上帝给我带来的讯息。我急切地盼着天亮。 
　　　    


 