14 
　  
　　Her story came to an end．She had not raised her voice： she had not cried．But things seemed to change as the story progressed．The fire looked as if it was laughing at her troubles．All the objects around her appeared not to care about her tragic history．And yet it was only a short time since he had been kissing her．Everything looked different now． 
　　Clare stirred the fire．It was unnecessary，but he felt he had to do something．He had not really taken in the whole story yet．He stood up．Now as he began to understand the story in its full horror，his face was like an old man's．He made uncertain movements，because everything in his head was vague and uncertain．He could not make himself think clearly． 
　　‘Tess！Can I believe this？Are you mad perhaps？My wife， my Tess—you aren't mad，are you？’ 
　　‘I am not，’she said． 
　　‘And yet，’he said，looking strangely at her，‘why didn't you tell me before？Oh yes，you would have told me，in a way，but I stopped you，I remember！’ 
　　He was talking but could not think at the same time． His brain seemed to have stopped working．He turned away from her．Tess followed him and stood there staring at him with dry eyes．Then she went down on her knees beside him． 
　　‘In the name of our love，forgive me！she whispered with a 168 dry mouth．‘I have forgiven you for the same！’ 
　　And as he did not answer，she said again， 
　　‘Forgive me as you are forgiven！I forgive you，Angel！’ 
　　‘You—yes，you do．’ 
　　‘But you do not forgive me？’ 
　　‘Oh，Tess，it's not a question of forgiveness！You were one person，now you are another．How can forgiveness put that right？’ 
　　He paused，considering this．Then suddenly he started laughing in an unnatural，horrible way．It was like a laugh out of hell． 
　　‘Don't—don't！’she cried，her face dead white．‘It kills me，that laugh！Angel，do you know what you're doing to me？I've been hoping，longing，praying to make you happy！’ 
　　‘I know that．’ 
　　‘I thought，Angel，that you loved me—me，my very self！’ If you do love me，how can you treat me like this？It frightens me！Having begun to love you，I will love you for ever，in all changes，in all troubles，because you are yourself．I ask no more．Then how can you，my husband，stop loving me？’ 
　　‘I repeat，the woman I have been loving is not you．’ 
　　‘But who is she？’ 
　　‘Another woman in your shape．’ 
　　Suddenly she realized how he saw her．For him she was a guilty woman pretending to be an innocent one．There was terror in her white face as she saw this．She could not stand， and he stepped forward，thinking she might fall． 
　　‘Sit down，’he said gently．‘You are ill，and I am not surprised．’ 
　　She sat down，her face still full of fear and her eyes wild． 
　　‘I don't belong to you any more then，do I，Angel？’she asked helplessly．And at last the tears came．Clare watched her sobbing，and waited until the first violence of her emotion had passed． 
　　‘Angel，’she said suddenly in a normal voice，‘am I too wicked for us to live together？’ 
　　‘I haven't had time to think what we should do．’ 
　　‘I won't ask you to let me live with you，Angel，because I have no right to！I won't write to tell my family we are married，as I said I would．’ 
　　‘Won't you？’ 
　　‘No，I won't do anything unless you order me to．And if you go away，I won't follow you．And if you never speak to me again，I won't ask why，unless you tell me I can．’ 
　　‘And if I order you to do anything？’ 
　　‘I'll obey you，even if I have to lie down and die．’ 
　　‘How good of you．But it seems you have changed．In the past you were keen to look after yourself．Now you are keen to sacrifice yourself．’ 
　　Clare's bitter words，however，were not fully understood by Tess．She only knew that he was angry with her．She stood silent，not knowing that he was struggling with his love for her She did not observe a large tear rolling slowly down his cheek He was realizing what a change Tess's confession had made to his whole life．He had to decide on some action． 
　　‘Tess，’he said，as gently as he could，‘I can't stay here just now．I'm going out．’ 
　　He quietly left the room．Two glasses of wine，ready for their supper，remained untouched on the table．Only two or three hours earlier they had drunk tea from the same cup． 
　　As he closed the door behind him，Tess jumped up．He had gone：she could not stay．She put out the candles and followed him The rain was over and the night was now clear． 
　　Clare walked slowly and without purpose．His shape was black and frightening She walked just behind him．There was water on the road，where the stars could be seen reflected． Away from the house the road went through the fields．She followed Clare as a dog follows its owner． 
　　Eventually Tess could not help speaking to him． 
　　‘What have I done？Nothing interferes with my love for you．You don't think I planned it，Angel，do you？I would not deceive you like that！’ ‘H'm， well．No，maybe you would not，but you are not the same．No，not the same But don't make me blame you．’ 
　　She went on begging for forgiveness．Perhaps she said things that would have been better left to silence． 
　　‘Angel！Angel！I was a child when it happened．I knew nothing of men．’ 
　　‘I admit it was not so much your fault as his．’ 
　　‘Then won't you forgive me？’ 
　　‘I do forgive you，but forgiveness isn't everything．’ 
　　‘And do you love me？’ 
　　He did not answer this question． 
　　‘Oh Angel－my mother says she knows several cases which were worse than mine，and the husband has not minded much …well，he has accepted it at least．And in those cases the woman hasn't loved him as I love you！’ 
　　‘Don't，Tess，don't argue．Those are just country people's ways．There is a correct way of doing things．I think that parson who discovered you were a d’Urberville should have kept quiet．Perhaps you were weak and could not refuse this man because your ancient noble blood has run thin，because your family is no good any more．I thought you were a child of nature，but you have the worst of your ancient family in you！’ 
　　Tess accepted his bitterness，not understanding the details． He did not love her as he had done，and nothing else mattered． 
　　They went on again in silence．They walked slowly for hours，with sad anxious faces，not talking，one behind the other，like a funeral procession． Tess said to her husband： 
　　‘I don't want to cause you sadness all your life．The river is down there．I can put an end to myself in it．I'm not afraid．’ 
　　‘Don't talk like that．Do what I ask，go back to the house and go to bed．’ 
　　‘I will，’she said obediently． 
　　When she returned to the house，she found everything as they had left it and the fire still burning She went to the bedroom．There was a mistletoe branch hanging above the bed． Now she understood why Angel had brought a strange parcel with him．It was to surprise her．He had delightedly hung it there．Now it looked foolish and out of place． 
　　As she had nothing more to fear，and nothing more to hope for，she lay down．In a few moments lonely Tess was asleep， in the bedroom once used by the young wives of her ancestor． 
　　Later on that night Clare also came back to the house．He prepared a bed downstairs，but crept shoeless upstairs to see if Tess was asleep．He was relieved to see her sleeping deeply． And yet he felt he alone had the whole worry of what action to take，and the responsibility for her life as well as his．He turned away from her door，and then turned back again， pulled by his love for her．But his eye was caught by a painting on the wall of one of Tess's ancestors，a proud fierce woman， who looked as if she hated and wanted to deceive all men．He thought she and Tess looked alike．That was enough to stop him，and he went downstairs to his lonely bed． 
　　He looked calm and cold，full of self-control．His face showed he had fought against passion and won，but did not like being the winner．He still found it difficult to accept that Tess，the pure village maiden，was not what she seemed． How unexpected life could be！He put out the candle．The night came in，unconcerned and uninterested，the night which had swallowed up his happiness．  
　 
14 吃亏的是女人 
　  
　　她的故事叙述完了。她没有提高声调：她没有哭。但是随着故事的发展，事情像是发生了变化，炉火像是正在嘲笑她的遭遇。她周围的一切对她的悲惨遭遇似乎都漠不关心。然而，就在不久以前，他还亲吻着她。现在，一切都显得变了样。 
　　克莱尔拨弄着炉火。虽然没必要，但他觉得他必须做点什么。他还没有完全真正领会这整个故事。他站起来。现在，当他开始体会到这故事全部可怕的内涵时，他的脸变得像一涨老人的脸。他茫然地走来走去，因为他脑子里的一切都是模糊而不确定的。他无法让自己冷静、清晰地思考。 
　　“苔丝！我能相信这些吗？也许你是疯了？我的妻子，我的苔丝——你没有疯，是吗？” 
　　“我没有疯，”她说。 
　　“可是，”他神情怪异地看着她，说，“为什么以前你不告诉我？哦，是的，你本来会告诉我的，可以这么说，但是我没让你说，我记起来了！” 
　　他在说话，但与此同时，他仍无法思考。他的头脑好像不听使唤了。他转过身离开她。苔丝跟上去，站在一边用那双无泪的眼睛望着他，然后在他身边跪了下来。 
　　“看在我们相爱的份上，宽恕我吧！”她口干舌燥地喃喃说着，“同样的事情，我可是已经宽恕你了呀！” 
　　他没有回答，因此她又说道： 
　　“像你得到宽恕那样宽恕我吧！我宽恕了你，安吉尔！” 
　　“你——是的，你宽恕了我。” 
　　“可是你不宽恕我吗？” 
　　“啊，苔丝，这不是宽恕不宽恕的问题。你从前是一个人，现在你是另外一个人了。这怎么是宽恕能改变得了的呢？” 
　　他住了口，想了一想。接着，他突然狂笑起来，笑得那么怪异，那么可怕，犹如从地狱里发出的笑声。 
　　“别——别这样！”她叫道，脸色煞白。“你这么笑，会吓死我的！安吉尔，你知道你正在对我做什么吗？我一直期待着、盼望着、祈祷着使你幸福！” 
　　“这我知道。” 
　　“安吉尔，我本来以为，你是爱我的——爱我，就是爱我这个人哪！如果你真地爱我，你怎能这样对我呢？我害怕极了！既然爱上了你，我就会永远爱着你。不论遇到什么变故，不论遭受什么困难，我都会爱你，永远地爱你，因为你就是你呀！我别无他求了。那么，为什么你，我自己的丈夫，会不再爱我了呢？” 
　　“我再说一遍，我一直爱着的女人并不是你。” 
　　“那是谁呢？” 
　　“和你长得一样的另外一个女人。” 
　　她突然意识到他是怎样看待她的。在他看来，她是一个假装清白的罪人。当她明白了这一点时，她惨白的脸上露出了惊恐的神色。她支撑不住了，他走上前去，以为她要跌倒了。 
　　“坐下吧，”他轻声说道，“你病了，这并不让我感到意外。” 
　　她坐了下来，依旧是满脸的恐惧，眼睛里也满是惊恐。 
　　“安吉尔，我不再是你的人了，是吗？”她无可奈何地问道。终于，她的眼泪流了下来。克莱尔看着她啜泣，一直等到她第一次的感情狂澜平息下去。 
　　“安吉尔，”她突然开口了，声音已恢复正常。“我是不是太坏了，使得我们不能生活在一起？” 
　　“我还没有时间考虑我们该怎么办。” 
　　“我不会要求你让我和你一起生活的，安吉尔，因为我没有这样做的权利！我也不会写信给我家里人说我们结婚了，这信我原先说过要写的。” 
　　“你不写了吗？” 
　　“是的，我什么也不做，除非你要我去做。如果你离开我，我不会跟着你。如果你不再对我讲话，我也不会问为什么，除非你说我可以问。” 
　　“那么要是我真的要你做什么呢？” 
　　“我会服从的，即使是你要我躺下死去也行。” 
　　“你真好。但是，你像是已经改变了。过去，你热切地想照料自己；现在，你热切地要牺牲自己。” 
　　然而，苔丝并没有完全领会克莱尔这些酸楚的话语。她只知道他对她生气了。她静静地站着，不知道他正在同他对她的爱作斗争。她没看到一人滴泪珠正顺着他的面颊慢慢滚落卜来。他正在逐渐认识到苔丝的坦白给他的整个生活带来的变化。他必须决定采取某种行动。 
　　“苔丝，”他尽可能温和地说，“这一会儿，我在这儿待不下去了，我要出去走走。” 
　　他悄悄地走出房间，为晚餐准备的两杯酒仍然放在桌子上，不曾动过。就在两三个小时前，他们还用同一个茶杯共饮过一杯茶。 
　　当他把门关在了身后时，苔丝跳了起来。他已经走了，她也待不住了。她熄掉蜡烛，跟了出去。雨已停息，夜色现在也晴朗了。 
　　克莱尔漫无目的地缓缓走着，他的身影漆黑吓人。她只是跟在他后面走。路面上积了水，可以看到星星在里面反射的光芒。从房子出来的这条路通向田野。她就像条跟着主人的家犬一般跟随着克莱尔。 
　　终于，苔丝忍不住跟他说话了。 
　　“我做了什么啊？没有任何事情妨碍我对你的爱。你不会以为我以前是有意那样做的吧，安吉尔，是不是？我不会那样欺骗你的！” 
　　“嗯，好啦。是的，也许你不会，但你不一样了。足的，不一对了。但是，不要逼我责怪你。” 
　　她继续乞求他的宽恕。也许当时她保持沉默比说这些话还好些。 
　　“安吉尔！安吉尔！出那件事的时候，我还是个孩子！我对男人的事儿一点都不懂呀！” 
　　“主要是他的罪过，这我承认。” 
　　“那么，难道你还不宽恕我吗？” 
　　“我是宽恕你了，但是宽恕并不等于一切。” 
　　“那你还爱我吗？” 
　　他没有回答这个问题。 
　　“哦，安吉尔——我母亲说她知道好几件这样的事情，她们的情况比我的更糟，但做丈夫的并不是非常介意……是的，他们至少可以接受它。而那些事例中，女人爱她的丈夫并没有像我爱你这么深！” 
　　“别，苔丝，别争辩了。那些只不过是乡下人的方法。做事情总有一个合乎体统的方法。我认为那个发现了你姓德伯的人应该什么都别说。你柔弱，你无力拒绝那个男人，也许是因为你的古老高贵的血统已经变得稀少，因为你的家族已不再体面堂皇。我原以为你是大自然的孩子，但是你却带有那个古老家族里最坏的东西！” 
　　苔丝接受了他这一番谴责之辞，没有去理解它的细节。他已不像过去那样爱她了，别的一切都无关紧要。 
　　他们继续无言地走着。带着悲哀忧虑的神情，一言不发地，他们就这样一前一后地慢慢走了几个小时，就像一支送葬的队伍。 
　　苔丝对她的丈夫说： 
　　“我不愿让你的一生都这么痛苦。那儿就有条河在流着，我可以在那里结束我的生命。我不害怕。” 
　　“不要再说这样的话了。我怎么说你就怎么做，现在回到房子里去，上床睡觉。” 
　　“我会的。”她顺从地说道。 
　　返回房子时，她发现一切都同他们离开时一样，炉火还在燃烧着。她径直到了卧室。床上方挂着一束桑寄生藤枝。现在她明白了为什么安吉尔随身带了一个奇怪的包裹。他是要给她一个惊喜。他高高兴兴地把它挂在了那儿，可是现在它看起来又傻气又不合时宜。 
　　因为她已经没有什么可以惧怕，也没有什么可以期待的了，她躺了下来。过了一会儿，寂寞的苔丝睡着了，在那间曾被她的祖先们的年轻妻子使用过的卧室里睡着了。 
　　那晚夜深时，克莱尔也回到了屋里。他在楼下准备了一张床，但他光着脚，蹑手蹑脚地走到楼上看看苔丝是否睡着了。看到她已熟睡，他放宽了心。但是他感到，他一个人要全部承担该采取什么行动的焦虑，并且对她和他自己的生活负责了。他转身离开她的房门，又被他对她的爱给拉了回来。但是，他冷不防看到了墙上一幅苔丝祖先的画像，一个自负凶恶的女人，看起来就像是她憎恨并要欺骗所有的男人。他感到她和苔丝有相像之处。这就足以计他止步了，他到楼下自己那张孤独的床上去了。 
　　他看起来沉静又冷峻，充满了自制力。他的神情显示出他经历了一场与情欲的战斗，而且他赢了，但他却不喜欢成为这样一个胜者。他依然觉得他难以接受这个事实：苔丝，一个纯洁的乡村少女，竟不是她看起来的这样。生活有时是多么出乎意料啊！他熄灭了蜡烛。夜在漫不经心、漠然地一点点降临，就是这夜吞没了他的幸福和快乐。 
　　　    


 