21 Mr Rivers'sacrifice 
　  
　　I had twenty village girls to teach，some of them with such a strong country accent that I could hardly communicate with them．Only three could read，and none could write，so at the end of my first day I felt quite depressed at the thought of the hard work ahead of me．But I reminded myself that I was fortunate to have any sort of job，and that I would certainly get used to teaching these girls，who，although they were very poor，might be as good and as intelligent as children from the greatest families in England． 
　　Ever since I ran away from Thornfield，Mr Rochester had remained in my thoughts，and now，as I stood at my cottage door that first evening，looking at the quiet fields，I allowed myself to imagine again the life I could have had with him in his little white house in the south of France．He would have loved me，oh yes，he would have loved me very much for a while．'He did love me，'I thought，'nobody will ever love me like that again．'But then I told myself that I would only have been his mistress，in a foreign country，and for a short time，until he grew tired of me．I should be much happier here as a schoolteacher，free and honest，in the healthy heart of England．But strangely enough，St John Rivers found me crying as he approached the cottage．Frowning at the sight of the tears on my cheeks，he asked me， 
　　'Do you regret accepting this job，then？' 
　　'Oh no，'I replied quickly，'I'm sure I'll get used to it soon．And I'm really very grateful to have a home，and work to do．After all，I had nothing a few weeks ago．' 
　　'But you feel lonely，perhaps？'he asked，still puzzled． 
　　'I haven't had time to feel lonely yet．' 
　　'Well，I advise you to work hard，and hot to look back into your past．If something which we know is wrong tempts us，then we must make every effort to avoid it，by putting our energy to better use．A year ago I too was very miserable，because I was bored by the routine life of a country vicar，and I was tempted to change my profession．But suddenly there was light in my darkness，and God called me to be a missionary．No profession could be greater than that！Since that moment of truth，I have been perfectly happy，making my preparations for leaving England and going abroad in the service of God．Happy，that is，except for one little human weakness，which I have sworn to overcome．' 
　　His eyes shone as he spoke of his great purpose in life，and I was listening，fascinated，so neither of us heard the light footsteps approaching the cottage along the grassy path． 
　　'Good evening，Mr Rivers，'said a charming voice，as sweet as a bell．St John jumped as if hit between the shoulders，then turned slowly and stiffly to face the speaker．A vision in white，with a young，girlish figure，was standing beside him．When she threw back her veil，she revealed a face of perfect beauty．St John glanced quickly at her，but dared not look at her for long．He kept his eyes on the ground as he answered，'A lovely evening，but it's late for you to be out alone．' 
　　'Oh，Father told me you'd opened the new girls'school，so I simply had to come to meet the new schoolteacher．That must be you，'she said to me，smiling．'Do you like Morton？And your pupils？And your cottage？'I realized this must be the rich Miss Oliver who had generously furnished my cottage． 
　　'Yes，indeed Miss Oliver，''I'replied．'I'm sure 'I'll enjoy teaching here．And I like my cottage very much．' 
　　'I'll come and help you teach sometimes．I get so bored at home！Mr Rivers， I've been away visiting friends，you know．I've had such fun！I was dancing with the officers until two o'clock this morning！They're all so charming！' 
　　St John's face looked sterner than usual and his lip curled in disapproval，as he lifted his handsome head and looked straight into Miss Oliver's laughing eyes．He breathed deeply and his chest rose，as if his heart wanted to fly out of its cage，but he said nothing，and after a pause Miss Oliver continued，'Do come and visit my father，Mr Rivers．Why don't you ever come？' 
　　'I can't come，Miss Rosamund．'It seemed clear to me that St John had to struggle with himself to refuse this smiling invitation． 
　　'Well，if you don't want to，I must go home then． 
　　Goodbye！'She held out her hand．He just touched it，his hand trembling． 
　　'Goodbye！'he said in a low，hollow voice，his face as white as a sheet．They walked away in different directions．She turned back twice to look at him，but he did not turn round at all． 
　　The sight of another person's suffering and sacrifice stopped me thinking so much about my own problems．I had plenty of opportunities to observe St John and Miss Oliver together．Every day St John taught one Bible lesson at the school，and Miss Oliver，who knew her power over him，always chose that particular moment to arrive at the school door，in her most attractive riding dress．She used to walk past the rows of admiring pupils towards the young vicar，smiling openly at him．He just stared at her，as if he wanted to say，' I love you，and I know you love me．If I offered you my heart，I think you'd accept．But my heart is already promised as a sacrifice to God．'But he never said anything，and she always turned sadly away like a disappointed child．No doubt he would have given the world to call her back，but he would not give his chance of heaven． 
　　When I discovered that Miss Oliver's father greatly admired the Rivers family，and would have no objection to her marrying a vicar，I decided to try to persuade St John to marry her．I thought he could do more good with Miss Oliver's money in England than as a missionary under the baking sun in the East． 
　　My chance came some weeks later，when he visited me one November evening in my little cottage．He noticed a sketch I had been doing of Miss Oliver，and could not take his eyes off it． 
　　'I could paint you an exact copy，'I said gently，'if you admit that you would like it．' 
　　'She's so beautiful！'he murmured，still looking at it．'I would certainly like to have it．' 
　　'She likes you，I'm sure，'I said，greatly daring，'and her father respects you．You ought to marry her．' 
　　'It's very pleasant to hear this，'he said，not at all shocked by my honesty．'I shall allow myself fifteen minutes to think about her．'And he actually put his watch on the table，and sat back in his chair，closing his eyes．'Married to the lovely Rosamund Oliver！Let me just imagine it！My heart is full of delight！'And there was silence for a quarter of an hour until he picked up his watch，and put the sketch back on the table． 
　　'Temptation has a bitter taste，'he said，shaking his head．'I can't marry her．You see，although I love her so deeply，I know that Rosamund would not make a good wife for a missionary． 
　　'But you needn't be a missionary！'I cried． 
　　'Indeed I must！It's the great work God has chosen me to do！I shall carry with me into the darkest corners of the world knowledge，peace，freedom，religion，the hope of heaven！That is what I live for，and what I shall die for！' 
　　'What about Miss Oliver？'I asked after a moment．'She may be very disappointed if you don't marry her．' 
　　'Miss Oliver will forget me in a month，and will probably marry someone who'll make her far happier than I ever could！' 
　　'You speak calmly，but I know you're suffering．' 
　　'You are original，'he said，looking surprised．He had clearly not imagined that men and women could discuss such deep feelings together．'But believe me，I have overcome this weakness of mine，and become as hard as a rock．My only ambition now is to serve God．'As he picked up his hat before leaving，something on a piece of paper on the table caught his eye．He glanced at me，then tore off a tiny piece very quickly，and with a rapid'Goodbye！'rushed out of the cottage．I could not imagine what he had found to interest him so much．  
　 
21 李维斯先生的代价 
　  
　　我给村里的二十个女孩儿上课，有些女孩儿乡下口音很重，我几乎无法和她们交流。只有三人会读书，没有人会写字。所以第一天下来，想到摆在我面前的艰苦工作，我感到非常沮丧。但是我提醒自己能找到任何一份工作对我来说都是幸运的，我一定能习惯教这些孩子，她们尽管很穷，但可能和来自英格兰大家族的孩子一样好，一样聪明。 
　　自从离开特恩费得后，罗切斯特先生一直留在我的脑海里。现在，我在这第一个夜晚站在小屋门口，望着静静的田野，任由自己想象着在法国南部的小白屋里我们会过怎样一种生活。他会爱我。噢，是的，他会一时非常爱我。“他的确爱过我。”我想。“再不会有谁像他那样爱我。”但是我又告诫自己，我只能成为他在异国的情妇，时间不会长，直到他厌倦我了。在这里做教师，生活在英格兰健康的腹地，我会更快活、自由和实在。可奇怪的是当圣约翰来到小屋时，他却发现我在哭泣。他看着我脸颊上的泪痕，皱着眉头问： 
　　“那么你后悔了？” 
　　“噢，不，”我赶紧说，“我相信我很快会适应的。而且有了家，有了工作，我真的非常感激。无论如何，几星期前我还是一无所有呢！” 
　　“也许你感到孤独？”他仍然不解地问。 
　　“我还没有时间去感受孤独。” 
　　“那么我建议你努力工作，不要去回首往事。如果我们明知是错误的东西在引诱我们，我们就必须尽一切努力避免它，把精力放在更有意义的方面。一年前我也非常痛苦，因为乡村牧师的单调生活让我感到厌倦，我起了换个工作的念头。然而黑暗中突然出现了光明，上帝召唤我去做一名传教士。没有什么职业比这更伟大了！从那个真理显现的时刻起，我就一直非常快乐，准备着离开英格兰，到国外去为上帝效力。这就是快乐，除此之外，我还有一个人性的小弱点需要克服。” 
　　他讲述自己的远大人生目标时，眼睛都亮了，我听着，非常激动，因此我们谁也没有听到沿着长满小草的路走向小屋的脚步声。 
　　“晚上好，李维斯先生。”有人说道，声音优美动人，如银铃般甜美。圣约翰一抖，好像被人从背后打了一下，然后慢慢地、僵硬地转过身去对着来人。他身后站着一个身穿白衣、年轻、有着少女般体态的人。当她撩起面纱时，她现出了姣好完美的面容。圣约翰迅速瞥了她一眼，却不敢长时间看她。他一直盯着脚下回答道：“夜很美，但太晚了，你不该单独出来。” 
　　“噢，父亲告诉我你已开办了新的女童学校，所以我必须来见见新老师。一定是你了。”她笑着对我说。“你喜欢莫顿吗？还有你的学生呢？你的小屋呢？”我意识到这一定是有钱的奥利弗小姐，她慷慨地为我的小屋提供了家具。 
　　“的确喜欢，奥利弗小姐。”我答道。“我肯定会喜欢在这里教书，并且我非常喜欢我的小屋。” 
　　“我有时会来帮你教书的，我在家里待得无聊。李维斯先生，我出门看朋友去了，过得非常愉快！我一直和军官们跳舞到凌晨两点钟。他们都太迷人了！” 
　　当圣约翰抬起英俊的脸而直视奥利弗小姐一双满含笑意的脸时，他的脸比平时变得更加严肃，嘴角向下撇着表示不以为然。他深深地吸了一口气，胸膛鼓了起来，好像他的心要飞出牢笼一般，然而他什么也没说。沉默一阵后，奥利弗小姐继续说：“请一定来看望我父亲，李维斯先生。你为什么不来呢？” 
　　“罗莎蒙特小姐，我不能去。”我明显看出圣约翰必须努力克制自己，不接受这带着微笑的邀请。 
　　“好吧，如果你不想去，我就得回家了。再见！”她伸出手去。他只是碰了碰，手直发抖。 
　　“再见！”他用空落落的声音低声说，脸也变得像纸一样苍白。他们朝不同的方向走去。她两次回过头来看着他，而他根本没有转过一次身。 
　　看到别人的痛苦和牺牲，使我暂时不再去想自己的问题。我有很多机会观察圣约翰和奥利弗小姐。每天圣约翰在学校上一次圣经课，而奥利弗小姐明白自己对他的影响力，总是挑这个时候，穿着迷人的骑装，来到学校门口。她常常在孩子们钦慕的注视下走向年轻的牧师，毫不掩饰地向他微笑着。他只是注视着她，好像想说：“我爱你，我也知道你爱我。如果我把心交给你，我想你会接受的，但我的心已经答应奉献给上帝。”可他从来不说什么，而她也总是像个失望的孩子一样伤心地离去。毫无疑问他可以放弃世上的一切唤她回来，但却不能放弃他进入天堂的机会。 
　　我发现奥利弗小姐的父亲非常尊重李维斯一家，决不会反对女儿嫁给一个牧师，便决定说服奥利弗和她结婚。我觉得，与在东方的骄阳下做什么传教士相比，他有了奥利弗小姐的财产，可以在英格兰做更多善事。 
　　几个星期后，我找到了机会。11月的一个晚上，他到小屋来看我。他注意到我为奥利弗小姐画的一幅素描，无法把目光从上面移开。 
　　“如果你承认你喜欢，我可以为你画一幅更细的。”我轻声说。 
　　“她太美了！”他喃喃地说，目光仍然盯着画。“我当然愿意要一张。” 
　　“我敢肯定她喜欢你。”我大胆地说。“他父亲也尊重你，你应该娶她。” 
　　“很高兴听你这么说。”他说，一点儿也不为我的坦率感到惊讶。“我给我自己十五分钟来想她。”他真的将表放在桌上，然后靠到椅子上，闭上了眼睛。“和可爱的罗莎蒙特·奥利弗小姐结婚！让我想像一下吧！我心中充满了快乐！”一刻钟里寂静无声，然后他拿起手表，把素描放回桌上。 
　　“诱惑是苦涩的。”他摇着头说。“我不能和她结婚。你知道，尽管我深深地爱着她，但我知道罗莎蒙特不会成为一个传教士的好妻子。” 
　　“可你不一定非做传教士啊！”我叫道。 
　　“我当然必须做！这是上帝选择我去做的伟大工作！我要给世界上最黑暗的角落带去知识、和平、自由、宗教和天堂的希望。我为此而生，也将为此而死！” 
　　“那奥利弗小姐怎么办？”我过了一会儿问。“你不娶她，她可能会非常失望。” 
　　“奥利弗小姐一个月后就会把我忘掉，可能会嫁给一个比我更能使她幸福的人！” 
　　“你说起来轻松，但我知道你很痛苦。” 
　　“你真有创见！”他惊奇地说。显然他想像不出男女之间还可以一起讨论这样深层的情感问题。“不过，相信我，我已经克服了自己的这个弱点，变得如顽石般坚强。我现在唯一的志向就是为上帝服务。”他拿起帽子正要离去，桌上纸上的什么东西吸引了他的注意力。他看了我一眼，然后迅速撕下一个小角。他匆匆说声“再见！”便冲出了小屋。我搞不清他发现了什么让他这么感兴趣的东西。 
　　　    


 