18 Mr Rochester's explanation 
　  
　　Sometime in the afternoon I recovered a little，but I felt faint as I stood up，and realized I had not eaten anything all day．So I opened my bedroom door and almost fell over Mr Rochester，who was sitting in a chair just outside． 
　　'I've been waiting for you all this time，Jane，'he said．'And I haven't heard you scream or shout or cry．Aren't you angry with me？I never meant to hurt you．Will you ever forgive me？' 
　　He sounded so sincere that I forgave him at once in my heart． 
　　'Scold me，Jane！Tell me how wicked I am！'he said． 
　　'Sir，I can't．I feel tired and weak．I want some water．' 
　　He took me in his arms and carried me downstairs to the library，where he put me in front of the fire，and gave me a glass of wine．I began to feel better．He bent to kiss me，but I turned my face determinedly away． 
　　'What！'he cried．'You refuse to kiss me！Because I'm Bertha Mason's husband？Is that it？' 
　　'Yes，sir．' 
　　'I know you very well，Jane．I know how firm you are when you've decided something．You're planning to destroy my hope of happiness．You intend to be a stranger to me from now on．And if I'm friendly towards you in future，you'll remind yourself，“That man nearly made me his mistress—I must be ice-cold to him，”and ice-cold is what you'll be．' 
　　'It's true，sir，'I said，trying to stop my voice from trembling，'that everything around me has changed，so I must change too．Adele must have a new governess．' 
　　'Oh，Adele will go to boarding school．I've already decided that．And you and I will both leave this house，this narrow stone hell，this house of living death．We can never be happy here，under the same roof as that woman．Oh，I hate her！' 
　　'You shouldn't hate her，sir，'I said．'It's not her fault she's mad，poor thing．' 
　　'Jane，my darling，it's not because she's mad that I hate her．If you were mad，I wouldn't hate you．I'd look after you lovingly But why talk of madness？We are all ready to travel，everything is packed．Tomorrow we'll leave．I have a place to go to，where nobody will find us or talk about us—' 
　　'And take Adele with you，sir，she'll be a companion for you，'I interrupted．I knew I had to tell him soon． 
　　'Adele？What do you mean，Jane？She's going to school．I don't want her，I want you with me．Do you understand？' 
　　I did，but I slowly shook my head．He was becoming angry，and was staring fiercely at me．He looked as if he was about to lose control．I was not at all afraid，because I knew I still had the power to calm him．So I took his hand and stroked it，saying， 
　　'Sit down，sir，I'll talk or listen to you as long as you like．'I had been struggling with tears for some time and now I let them flow freely．It was a great relief． 
　　'Don't cry，Jane，please be calm，'he begged． 
　　'How can I be calm when you're so angry？' 
　　'I'm not angry，but I love you so much，and your pale little face looked so stern and decided．'He tried to put his arm round me，but I would not let him． 
　　'Jane！'he said sadly，'you don't love me，then？' 
　　'I do love you，'I answered，'more than ever， but this is the last time I can say it．There is only one thing for me to do，but you'll be furious if I mention it ．' 
　　'Oh， mention it！If I'm angry， you can always burst into tears，'he said， with a half-smile． 
　　'Mr Rochester，I must leave you．I must start a new life among strangers．' 
　　'Of course．I told you we would leave．I'll ignore that nonsense about you leaving me．You'll be Mrs Rochester and I'll be your husband until I die．We'll live happily and innocently together in a little white house I have in the south of France．Jane，don't shake your head，or I'll get angry．' 
　　'Sir，your wife is alive，'I dared to say，although he was looking aggressively at me，'and if I lived with you like that，I'd be your mistress．' 
　　'I'm a fool！'he said suddenly．'I haven't told you the whole story！Oh，I'm sure you'll agree when you know everything！Listen，Jane，you know that my father loved money very much？' 
　　'I heard someone say that，yes，sir．' 
　　'Well，he hated the idea of dividing the family property，so he left it all to my elder brother．But that meant I would be poor unless I married a rich wife，so he decided I should marry Bertna Mason，the daughter of his wealtny friend Jonas Mason．I was young and easily impressed，so when I saw her in the West Indies，beautiful and elegantly dressed，I thought I loved her．What a fool I was then！After the wedding I learned that my bride's mother and younger brother were both mad．Dick Mason will probably be in the same state one day．My father knew all this，but did not tell me．I soon found that Bertha and I had nothing in common．Not only was she coarse and stupid，her madness also made her violent．I lived with her for four years．By now my father and brother were dead，so I was rich，but I considered myself poor，because I was tied to a mad wife until death．' 
　　'I pity you，sir，I do pity you．' 
　　'Pity，Jane，is an insult from some people，but from you I accept it as the mother of love．Well，I had moments of despair when I intended to shoot myself，but in the end I decided to bring the mad woman back to Thornfield Hall，where nobody knew that we were married． She has lived here ever since． Even Mrs Fairfax and the servants don't know the whole truth about her． But although I pay Grace Poole well，and trust her absolutely，she sometimes drinks too much and allows the creature to escape．Twice she has got out of her room at night，as you know．The first time she nearly burnt me in my bed，and the second time she visited you， and must have been reminded of her own wedding day by seeing your wedding dress．' 
　　'And what did you do，sir，when you had brought her here？' 
　　'I travelled all over Europe，Jane．I was looking for a good and intelligent woman to love—' 
　　'But you couldn't marry，sir，' I interrupted． 
　　'I believed I could．I thought I might find some reasonable woman who would understand my case and accept me．' 
　　'Well， sir， did you？' 
　　'Not in Europe，Jane，where I spent ten long years looking for an ideal．I tried taking mistresses，like Celine，the French dancer．But finally，bitter and disappointed with my wasted life，I returned to Thornfield on a frosty winter afternoon．And when my horse slipped and fell on the ice，a little figure appeared and insisted on helping me．In the weeks that followed，I began to depend on that bird－like little figure for my happiness and new interest in life．' 
　　'Don't talk any more of the past，sir，' I said，wiping a secret tear from my eyes． 
　　'No，Jane，you're right，the future is much brighter．You understand now，don't you？I've wasted half my life in misery and loneliness，but now I've found you．You are at the centre of my heart．It was stupid of me to try to marry you like that without explaining．I should have confessed everything，as I do now，and appealed to your great generosity of spirit．I promise to love you and stay with you for ever．Jane，promise me the same．' 
　　A pause．'Why are you silent，Jane？' 
　　This was a terrible moment for me．In the struggle and confusion that was going on in my heart I knew that he loved me and I loved him，but I also knew that I must leave him！ 
　　'Jane，just promise me，“I will be yours．”' 
　　'Mr Rochester，I will not be yours．'Another pause． 
　　'Jane，'he said，with a gentleness that cut into my soul，'Jane，do you intend us to live apart for ever？' 
　　'I do．' 'Jane，'（bending towards me and kissing me）'is that still your intention？' 
　　'It is，'I replied，pulling away from him． 
　　'Oh Jane，this is a bitter shock．It would not be wicked to love me．' 
　　'It would be wicked to do what you want．' 
　　'Jane，just imagine my horrible life when you have gone．I shall be alone with that mad woman upstairs．Where shall I find friendship，and hope？' 
　　'You can only trust in God and yourself．Live without doing wrong，and die hoping to go to heaven．' 
　　'That's impossible without you！And…and you have no family to offend by living with me！'He was beginning to sound desperate．I knew that what he said was true．However，in my heart I also knew I was right to leave． 
　　He seemed to read my thoughts．Rushing furiously across the room，he seized me violently and stared fiercely into my eyes．He could have broken me in two with one hand，but he could not break my spirit．Small and weak as I was，I stared firmly back at him． 
　　'Your eyes，Jane，'he said，'are the eyes of a bird， a free，wild being：Even if I break your cage，I can't reach you，beautiful creature！You'll fly away from me．But you could choose to fly to me！Come，Jane，come！'He let me go，and only looked at me．How hard it was to resist that look！ 
　　'I am going，'I said． 
　　'Does my deep love mean nothing to you？Oh Jane，my hope…my love…my life！'And be threw himself despairingly on the sofa．I had reached the door，but I could not leave．I walked back，bent over him，and kissed his cheek． 
　　'Goodbye，my dear master！'I said．'May God protect you！' 
　　'Without your love，Jane，my heart is broken，'he said．'But perhaps you will，so generously，give me your love after all—'He jumped up with hope in his eyes，holding out his arms to me．But I turned and ran out of the room． 
　　That night I only slept a little， dreaming of the red room at Gateshead．The moonlight shone into my bedroom，as it did then，and I saw a vision on the ceiling，a white figure looking down on me．It seemed to whisper to my spirit，'Daughter，leave now before you are tempted to stay．' 
　　'Mother，I will，'I answered．And when I woke up，although it was still dark outside，I wrapped up some spare clothes in a parcel，and put a little money in a purse．As I crept downstairs，I could hear Mr Rochester in his room，walking up and down and sighing．I could find heaven in this room if I wanted．I just had to enter and say，'I will love you and live with you through life until death！'My hand moved towards the handle．But I stopped myself，and went miserably downstairs and out of the house． 
　　Setting out on the road，I could not help thinking of Mr Rochester's despair when he found himself abandoned．I hated myself for wounding him，and for perhaps driving him to a life of wickedness，or even death．I wanted desperately to be with him，to comfort him，but somehow I made myself keep walking，and when a coach passed，I arranged to travel on it as far as my money would pay for．Inside the coach I cried the bitterest tears of my life．  
　 
18罗切斯特先生的解释 
　  
　　下午不知什么时候，我感觉好些了，但站起来时仍感到头晕，我这才意识到我已一整天没吃一点儿东西了。于是我打开卧室的房门，几乎扑倒在就坐在门外椅子上的罗切斯特先生身上。 
　　“简，我一直在等着你。”他说，“我没听到你叫喊或是哭泣。你不生我的气吗？我本无意伤害你。你能原谅我吗？” 
　　他说得那么真诚，我立刻就在心里原谅了他。 
　　“简，骂我吧！告诉我我有多么坏！”他说。 
　　“先生，我不能。我感到很累、很虚。我想喝点水。” 
　　他双手将我抱起，将我抱到楼下的书房，把我放在炉火前，递上了一杯酒，我开始感到好些了。他俯身要吻我，但我断然把脸扭开了。 
　　“怎么！”他喊道，“你拒绝吻我！因为我是伯莎·梅森的丈夫？是不是？” 
　　“是的，先生。” 
　　“简，我非常了解你。我知道如果你决心已下，你是不会动摇的。你打算毁掉我幸福的希望，你想从今往后和我成为陌路人。如果今后我对你友好，你会提醒自己：'这个人差点儿让我成了他的情妇——我必须对他冷若冰霜。'你的确会变得冷若冰霜的。” 
　　“是这样，先生，”我说，努力控制住自己的声音不让它发抖。“我周围的一切的确都发生了变化，所以我也必须改变。阿黛拉必须有位新老师。” 
　　“啊，阿黛拉去上寄宿学校，我已经决定了。你和我将离开这幢房子，这狭小的石头地狱，这活死人的宅邸。在这里和那个女人在同一屋檐下，我们永远不会幸福。噢，我恨她！” 
　　“先生，你不该恨她。”我说，“她疯了，可怜兮兮的，这并不是她的错。” 
　　“简，亲爱的，我不是因为她疯而恨她。如果你疯了，我不会恨你，我会满怀爱心地照顾你。可是，为什么要说什么疯不疯的？我们已做好出发的准备，所有行李都整理好了，我们明天离开。我有一个地方可去，那儿没人找得到我们，也没人议论我们……” 
　　“先生，带上阿黛拉吧，她会陪伴你。”我打断他。我知道我必须马上告诉他了。 
　　“阿黛拉？简，你是什么意思？她要上学。我不需要她，我想和你在一起。你明白吗？” 
　　我明白，但我慢慢摇了摇头。他变得生气了，两眼狠狠地盯着我，他看上去好像快控制不住自己了。我一点儿不害怕，因为我知道我还有力量让他平静下来。于是我握住他的手，轻轻抚摸着，说： 
　　“先生，坐下，只要你愿意，我可以一直跟你说话，听你讲话。”我一直努力抑制着眼泪，现在我随它流淌，心里非常轻松了。 
　　“简，别哭，请平静些。”他哀求着。 
　　“你这么生气，我又如何能平静呢？” 
　　“我没有生气，可是我太爱你了。你苍白的小脸看上去那么严肃，坚决。”他想搂着我，我却不允许。 
　　“简！”他伤心地说，“那么你不爱我吗？” 
　　“我是爱你的。”我说，“比以往更爱你，不过这是我最后一次这样说了。我能做的只有一件事，但我说出来你会发怒的。” 
　　“好了，说吧！如果我生气，你就哭好了。”他带着点笑意说。 
　　“罗切斯特先生，我必须离开你。我必须在陌生人中间开始新的生活。” 
　　“当然，我跟你说过我们要离开的。我不理会什么你要离开我这类的胡说八道。你将是罗切斯特太太，我将是你的丈夫，直到死。我们将无忧无虑地、幸福地一起生活在我在法国南部购置的小白屋里。简，别摇头，否则我会生气的。” 
　　“先生，你的妻子还活着。”尽管他咄咄逼人地看着我，我还是壮着胆子说了出来。“如果我这样跟你生活在一起，我就是你的情妇。” 
　　“我是个傻瓜！”他突然说，“我还没把故事的全部告诉给你！噢，我敢肯定你了解一切后会同意的。简，听着。你知道我父亲非常爱财？” 
　　“是的，先生，我听别人说过。” 
　　“好了，他很不愿意把家产分割开，于是就全部传给了我的哥哥。但这就意味着如果不娶个阔老婆，我就很穷，于是他决定我应该和伯莎·梅森结婚，她是他的富朋友乔那森·梅森的女儿。我当时年轻，很容易被迷住，所以当我在西印度群岛见到漂亮而又着装优雅的伯莎时，我以为我爱她。当时我真是个傻瓜！婚礼之后，我才得知新娘的妈妈和弟弟都疯了。迪克·梅森可能有一天也会这样。我父亲知道这一切，但没有告诉我。我很快就发现伯莎和我毫无共同之处。她不仅粗鲁、愚蠢，疯病还让她变得凶暴。我和她生活了四年。到那时我父亲和哥哥都去世了，所以我有钱了，但我仍认为自己是个穷汉，因为我至死都被拴在这个疯老婆身上了。” 
　　“我可怜你，先生。我真的可怜你。” 
　　“简，别人的可怜是一种侮辱，但你的可怜，我把它当做爱之源接受。我曾经绝望过，想开枪自杀，但最终还是决定把疯女人带回特恩费得，这儿谁也不知道我们结婚了。此后她一直住在这里，即使费尔法斯太太和仆人也不完全了解她的真相。但是尽管我给格丽丝·普尔的薪水丰厚，并绝对信任她，她有时喝得太多，让那东西跑了出来。她曾两次在夜间跑出她的房间，这你知道的。第一次她几乎把我烧死在床上，第二次她去找了你，看到你的婚纱她一定想起了自己的婚礼。” 
　　“先生，你把她带到这儿来后又做了什么？” 
　　“简，我游遍了欧洲。我在寻找一位善良、聪明的女人，去爱她——” 
　　“但你却不能结婚，先生。”我打断他。 
　　“我当时想我能。我以为我能找到一位理智的女人，理解我的处境，并接受我。” 
　　“那么，先生，你找到了吗？” 
　　“简，在欧洲没找到，我在那儿花了十年时间寻找一个偶像。我曾找过情妇，比如赛林娜，那个法国舞女。但是最终在我浪费了生命，感到痛苦而失望后，我在冬日一个雾蒙蒙的下午回到特恩费得。我的马滑倒在冰上时，一个小家伙出现了，还坚持要帮助我。以后的几个星期里，我开始依赖这个像鸟儿一样的小人来寻找我的幸福和对生活的新兴趣。” 
　　“先生，别再说过去这些了。”我说，擦去了不知不觉流出的眼泪。 
　　“不，简，你是对的，未来会更加光明。现在你明白了，对不对？我在痛苦和孤独中虚度了前半生，但现在我找到了你，你在我心中。我不解释就要和你结婚，真是太傻了。我应该像现在这样坦白一切，然后请求你的宽容。我保证永远爱你，和你在一起。简，你也对我保证。” 
　　一阵沉默。“简，你为什么不说话？” 
　　这对我是个可怕的时刻。我内心矛盾着，理不出头绪，我知道他爱我，我也爱他，但我也知道我必须离开他！ 
　　“简，就答应我，说：'我是你的。'” 
　　“罗切斯特先生，我不是你的。”又一阵沉默。 
　　“简，”他温柔的声音刺进我的心灵深处，“简，你想让我们俩永远分离吗？” 
　　“是的。” 
　　“简，”（他弯下腰来吻着我）“你还这么想吗？” 
　　“是的。”我回答说，并从他那儿挣脱出来。 
　　“噢，简，这真是一个痛苦的打击。爱我不是罪过啊。” 
　　“做你想做的事就是罪过。” 
　　“简，想象一下你走后我的生活该多么可怕。我将独自伴着楼上的那个疯女人。我到哪里去寻找友谊、寻找希望？” 
　　“你只能相信上帝和自己。活着时不要做错事，死去时希望进天堂。” 
　　“没有你这是不可能的！再说……你与我生活在一起也不会触怒什么家人。”他开始有些绝望。我知道他说的不错，但我内心也深知我离去是对的。 
　　他像看出了我的心思。他狂怒地冲过屋子，猛地抓住我，狠狠地盯着我的眼睛。他用一只手就能把我弄成两半，但他却无法动摇我的意志。尽管我又弱又小，我却坚定地和他对视着。 
　　“简，你的眼睛，”他说，“是鸟的眼睛，一个自由的、野性的生命的眼睛。即使我打碎了你的笼子，我也够不到你这个美丽的生灵！你会飞走，离我而去。可你也可以选中向我飞来！来，简，来啊！”他放开我，只是看着我。要抵挡这目光是多么难啊！ 
　　“我走了。”我说。 
　　“难道我深深的爱对你毫无意义？噢，简，我的希望……我的爱人……我的生命！”他绝望地倒在沙发里。我已到了门口，却不能离开。我又走回来，俯下身去，亲吻了他的脸颊。 
　　“再见，我亲爱的主人！”我说，“愿上帝保护你！” 
　　“简，没有你的爱，我的心都碎了。”他说，“可是毕竟你也许还是可以慷慨地把你的爱给我……”他眼中充满希望地跳起来，向我张开双臂。然而，我转身跑出了房间。 
　　那一夜我睡得很少。我梦到了盖茨赫德的红房子。月光照进我的卧室——当时也确实有月光，我看到天花板上有一个白色影子正向下看着我。它好像对我的灵魂悄声说：“女儿，现在就离开，免得你又受诱惑留下来。” 
　　“妈妈，我会的。”我答道。我醒来时，虽然外面天还黑着，还是将几件换洗衣服放进包裹，然后在钱包里装了点儿钱。我蹑手蹑脚下楼时，听到罗切斯特先生在他房间里，一边来回踱步，一边叹息不已。如果我愿意，我就可以在那间屋里找到天堂。我只消进去说：“我将爱你，和你一起生活到生命的终结。”我的手向门把移去，但我阻止了自己，痛苦地走下楼梯，走出了房子。 
　　上路后，我忍不住要想罗切斯特先生发现自己被抛弃后该是多么绝望。我恨自己伤害了他，或许又让他去过邪恶的生活甚至死去。我渴望和他在一起，安慰他，但不知怎么我还是逼着自己向前走。马车路过时，我打算让自己走到旅费所能负担的最远的地方。马车内，我流下了一生中最伤心的泪。 
　　　    


 